Timmyz Tales - The Woes of Whatsapp WEb

Since I found out about Van Dammes apartment I have refused to let him drop me off. It’s unfair to him and it just makes no sense to me. There is no point.

He, however has taken no offence whatsoever, everyday at 5pm he’d casually send me a message “I could drop you off, if you don’t mind” and I’d respond – No thanks. Then he’d launch into a sermon explaining how it’s no big deal, he enjoys driving, he enjoys my company bla bla bla. I’d like to indulge but it’s just unfair.

I miss hanging out with Van Damme and bitching about work and traffic. So when I work late and Fela is out of town. I’d hang out with Van Damme and then go home (to Fela’s) when the traffic has “Thawed”. Maybe Van Damme and I flirt a little, but I make sure to bring up Fela in every conversation and he makes sure to sit still and listen and then change the Topic immediately after

My relationship with Fela is ever so blissful. No one makes me so happy. He has my “mumu button”. When I fight with him. I forgive him before the fight is over and he knows how crazy about him I am. Our relationship has blossomed into a mutual agreement of friendship and coitus and joy. I even have my own ringtone...

Here’s how I found out… After a nice evening of take out dinner and muscato, he was looking for his phone and I had to call it. Then I heard the ring tone “ Baby you’re my everything, you’re all I ever wanted…” It was Drake’s Best I Ever Had. My heart melted, My smile filled up the room. He caught me in my blush and said “why are you blushing please?” He knew exactly why I was blushing….. Let’s just say some parts of me came alive and we both went to sleep exhausted and happy.

Morning came life went on, we went to work, everything was normal. I sent Igho a message telling her about the ringtone revelation. Her response; “Madam, all of you have ring tone, doesn’t henrietta have ringtone”. I ignored her.

5pm:

Van Damme sent me his usual “I could drop you off” Message, and I said my usual no and he launched into his sermon and then asked to Hang out. All to which I refused. Todays sermon was more mushy than normal, there were series of I miss yous and I miss your smile etc. I was indulging him and sending I miss you too and endearing emoticons etc.. heck it’s Van Damme it’s what we do.

Fela picked me up about 6pm we went straight home. I set up my Laptop to get some work done. When I was through I joined Fela on the couch to flip through channels and watch MasterChef. Then he received a call and had to get on the internet, he walked up to my laptop and asked me to log in saying he needed to get on the internet. I did as I was asked and walked away. Fela went on with his call, spent some time on my Laptop reading something (I assumed he was reading news or some article, or something related to the call… Oh was I wrong!!)

He came back to the couch but this time he was distant. He was just weird. So I asked: “Babe are you ok”. As though, he was impatiently waiting for me to ask…. “Ebitimi I have asked you several times about your relationship with Van Damme. The other day you came home moaning about how he is a sweet guy because he brings you home everyday even though he lives in phase 1. I am not mad at that

Every Sunday you leave me at home to hang out with Van Damme and his friends. That’s not the problem

One day you will come home with ring and tell me he proposed. I am not annoyed babe, I just need to know what the deal is.

I was staring at him confused and upset because there was nothing going on between VanDamme and I

Me: What are you talking about Fela, where is this one coming from

Fela: It’s coming from your innocent flirtations with Van Damme

Me to myself: Oh this bloody Igho won’t kill me, Igho got me hooked on whatsapp web, so it’s permanently open on my web browser, it’s so much easier to chat and work that way… look at me now, as innocent as my relationship with Van Damme is, reading those messages objectively suggests otherwise

Me to Fela: Do we read each other’s messages now? Should we switch phones so we can go through each other’s messages

Fela: so you want to be defensive? Timi, This guy knows more of you than I do and that’s just hurtful. You talk to him about us Timi… That’s wrong on all levels… You tell him about our fights, he knows about my kid?

Me: I am sorry Fela, I am sorry about that. Why did you read all my conversation Fela. What is wrong with you?

As I was busy being defensive, confused and upset. He went upstairs and took a really really long shower. While he was in the shower, I had to go see what he saw and I put myself in his shoes. Then I realized how unfair it was. I had friend zoned Van Damme, I told Van Damme all those things to prove to him that I really was in a relationship with Fela and really to not feel bad when I dangerously flirt with him. But it wasn’t fair to Fela. I had no right telling another Man his business.

When he came out of the bathroom. I was sitting on the floor of his bedroom and I said “Fela, the only thing I can say is sorry, I promise there is nothing between Van Damme and I”

Fela: No, there isn’t anything today. But you have fed him the playbook. You have told him the things you like and the things u dislike, you have shown him my flaws, the flaws within our relationship. He has the playbook babe

Source: www.dreamstime.com

Fela and I went asleep with me remorseful and mute. Sigh

Timmyz Tales: Van Damned!!

Again, Fela and I are in a good place, I have pseudo moved back in and all is well and good in the hood.

source: www.troll.me

Strangely, Van Damme was and is not upset with me at all. Apparently, he understands my relationship with Fela and sees that we are not ready to commit to each other and won't commit to anyone else so it's ok. He still brings me random gifts. Sometimes chocolate, other times single roses, food etc and he'd say 'I was walking past a store and I saw it and it reminded me of you. That's why I bought it”. I know in my heart that he goes out of his way to buy and bring these things. Because I have never seen anyone hawking rose stems in Lagos or anywhere in Nigeria.

Lunch with Folarin turned to Lunch with Van Damme and Folarin, then Folarin’s ego wouldn't let him continue, so it became Lunch with Van Damme. Lunch with Van Dame is vert soothing, he is very attentive and laughs like Muttley (the cartoon character from wacky races). Van Damme is such a pleasant, respectful, young man. He easily fused himself into my daily routine. I’d started calling him VD and he begged me to stop that it sounded like a disease. He listened, and I talked, all the time. We started to go home together and casually hang out together, most times it'd be with his friends who won't stop teasing that I have tossed him into the bro zone. We grew fond of each other but the ultimate fondness and “fondler” remained Fela; In Fela i found my Zen.

Some management decisions were made at work and teams had to be moved around. In light of that, I no longer report to Folarin. My new boss is a Lady; Vivian Adetonna. Vivian is very pretty, she always looks like she was styled by a Dolce and Gabbana representative. She is a bosslady as the name implies. She doesn’t attend meetings that don’t have a financial benefit. She is very stern and straight to the point. She does not ever try to politicize her conversations and she does not bring her personal problems to the work place; apparently she has a few of those. As a result of her "selective meeting attendance syndrome", I have a lot of meetings to attend which means less time to have meaningless conversations with Folarin. This works in favour of Van Damme though, because he works closely with Vivian, and I have to review a lot of documentation and receipts he sends in. This provides more time for small talk with Van Damme.

I like Folarin, he is a great friend, an excellent boss and a wonderful colleague.  He is very patient with me. He listens to me talk about all my man problems, he literally just allows me to get away with all my misgivings. He is like the Older Brother I don’t have. However, recent developments have indicated that this feeling is not mutual.

I heard from the office newsroom; Olamide (She is story for another day), that Folarins’ wife left him for her ex-boyfriend (*insert dramatic soundtrack*). She went to the states to have her baby and never returned. There are speculations that the baby isn’t even Folarin’s child. I don’t know the authenticity of this information but I don’t have the mind to ask and it makes sense how Folarin dives into some type of Manic Depression Mode and then dives right out and seems kind of uncertain over how he feels about women. That being said, our conversations will remain non-intimate. I don’t even want to encourage the thought that there might be a sliver of hope for him.

Besides lunch, Van Damme and I had an unspoken routine. Wednesdays we'd see a movie and he'd take me home. Sundays he'd pick me up from mine, take me to church, we'd have lunch and then he'd take me home or drop me off by Fela’s house. He never asked whose house it was but I am sure he knew. Cos whenever he dropped me there, I could see his shoulders and heart sink a little. One Sunday after church he invited me over to lunch and I accepted his invitation. We attended Salem that day and as we drove out from church he headed towards Lekki Phase 1. At first I assumed he was going to pick up something, so I didn’t ask any questions.

Lo and behold, we got to an apartment complex by the third roundabout and he drove in, all chatty with the security man. I was still quiet and trying to understand what was happening. He parked his car and came down. I said “Van Damme, please I don’t have kidnap value, aren’t we going over to yours again?”. He said,” This is where I live T, I begged my mum’s cook to make us lunch and she sent me a message saying she has dropped it off.”

I was so confused. I asked “Is this your mums house?”

“No this is my house, she bought it for me, so it’s mine now. She lives in Ogba with my dad”

In my head, I was somewhere between confused and upset. How is it that you live here and then you drive all the way to sangotedo to drop me off on weekdays??  You drive all the way there to pick me and take me to church and then drive me all the way back! Like who are you???!!!

We went in and truly it was his apartment, two bedroom flat, nice and portable with a very “bachelory” feel. The colour theme was Black and crème. His TV set was massive, he had like a ‘Gaming area’ where he had loads and loads of consoles and games. Then there was the stereo, when he put on his music I had to beg for it to be turned down, the surround speakers were really surround. His kitchen was really a ‘Bare Minimum Effort” the only part of the kitchen that seemed like it was frequently visited was the Sink, dustbin and Fridge; which was carefully organised and filled with left over take out, beer and wine.

I immediately sent Igho a message on whatsapp; “Igho do you know where chunky lives?!”, I went on and on explaining it to her

Her response: Timmy, I don’t know how and why you constantly attract weirdos. *rme

My name is Timmy; and I don’t understand why anyone would do what Van Damme is doing for me when it's quite clear that I am with Fela.