Timmyz Tales - The Woes of Whatsapp WEb

Since I found out about Van Dammes apartment I have refused to let him drop me off. It’s unfair to him and it just makes no sense to me. There is no point.

He, however has taken no offence whatsoever, everyday at 5pm he’d casually send me a message “I could drop you off, if you don’t mind” and I’d respond – No thanks. Then he’d launch into a sermon explaining how it’s no big deal, he enjoys driving, he enjoys my company bla bla bla. I’d like to indulge but it’s just unfair.

I miss hanging out with Van Damme and bitching about work and traffic. So when I work late and Fela is out of town. I’d hang out with Van Damme and then go home (to Fela’s) when the traffic has “Thawed”. Maybe Van Damme and I flirt a little, but I make sure to bring up Fela in every conversation and he makes sure to sit still and listen and then change the Topic immediately after

My relationship with Fela is ever so blissful. No one makes me so happy. He has my “mumu button”. When I fight with him. I forgive him before the fight is over and he knows how crazy about him I am. Our relationship has blossomed into a mutual agreement of friendship and coitus and joy. I even have my own ringtone...

Here’s how I found out… After a nice evening of take out dinner and muscato, he was looking for his phone and I had to call it. Then I heard the ring tone “ Baby you’re my everything, you’re all I ever wanted…” It was Drake’s Best I Ever Had. My heart melted, My smile filled up the room. He caught me in my blush and said “why are you blushing please?” He knew exactly why I was blushing….. Let’s just say some parts of me came alive and we both went to sleep exhausted and happy.

Morning came life went on, we went to work, everything was normal. I sent Igho a message telling her about the ringtone revelation. Her response; “Madam, all of you have ring tone, doesn’t henrietta have ringtone”. I ignored her.

5pm:

Van Damme sent me his usual “I could drop you off” Message, and I said my usual no and he launched into his sermon and then asked to Hang out. All to which I refused. Todays sermon was more mushy than normal, there were series of I miss yous and I miss your smile etc. I was indulging him and sending I miss you too and endearing emoticons etc.. heck it’s Van Damme it’s what we do.

Fela picked me up about 6pm we went straight home. I set up my Laptop to get some work done. When I was through I joined Fela on the couch to flip through channels and watch MasterChef. Then he received a call and had to get on the internet, he walked up to my laptop and asked me to log in saying he needed to get on the internet. I did as I was asked and walked away. Fela went on with his call, spent some time on my Laptop reading something (I assumed he was reading news or some article, or something related to the call… Oh was I wrong!!)

He came back to the couch but this time he was distant. He was just weird. So I asked: “Babe are you ok”. As though, he was impatiently waiting for me to ask…. “Ebitimi I have asked you several times about your relationship with Van Damme. The other day you came home moaning about how he is a sweet guy because he brings you home everyday even though he lives in phase 1. I am not mad at that

Every Sunday you leave me at home to hang out with Van Damme and his friends. That’s not the problem

One day you will come home with ring and tell me he proposed. I am not annoyed babe, I just need to know what the deal is.

I was staring at him confused and upset because there was nothing going on between VanDamme and I

Me: What are you talking about Fela, where is this one coming from

Fela: It’s coming from your innocent flirtations with Van Damme

Me to myself: Oh this bloody Igho won’t kill me, Igho got me hooked on whatsapp web, so it’s permanently open on my web browser, it’s so much easier to chat and work that way… look at me now, as innocent as my relationship with Van Damme is, reading those messages objectively suggests otherwise

Me to Fela: Do we read each other’s messages now? Should we switch phones so we can go through each other’s messages

Fela: so you want to be defensive? Timi, This guy knows more of you than I do and that’s just hurtful. You talk to him about us Timi… That’s wrong on all levels… You tell him about our fights, he knows about my kid?

Me: I am sorry Fela, I am sorry about that. Why did you read all my conversation Fela. What is wrong with you?

As I was busy being defensive, confused and upset. He went upstairs and took a really really long shower. While he was in the shower, I had to go see what he saw and I put myself in his shoes. Then I realized how unfair it was. I had friend zoned Van Damme, I told Van Damme all those things to prove to him that I really was in a relationship with Fela and really to not feel bad when I dangerously flirt with him. But it wasn’t fair to Fela. I had no right telling another Man his business.

When he came out of the bathroom. I was sitting on the floor of his bedroom and I said “Fela, the only thing I can say is sorry, I promise there is nothing between Van Damme and I”

Fela: No, there isn’t anything today. But you have fed him the playbook. You have told him the things you like and the things u dislike, you have shown him my flaws, the flaws within our relationship. He has the playbook babe

Source: www.dreamstime.com

Fela and I went asleep with me remorseful and mute. Sigh

Timmyz Tales: Van Damned!!

Again, Fela and I are in a good place, I have pseudo moved back in and all is well and good in the hood.

source: www.troll.me

Strangely, Van Damme was and is not upset with me at all. Apparently, he understands my relationship with Fela and sees that we are not ready to commit to each other and won't commit to anyone else so it's ok. He still brings me random gifts. Sometimes chocolate, other times single roses, food etc and he'd say 'I was walking past a store and I saw it and it reminded me of you. That's why I bought it”. I know in my heart that he goes out of his way to buy and bring these things. Because I have never seen anyone hawking rose stems in Lagos or anywhere in Nigeria.

Lunch with Folarin turned to Lunch with Van Damme and Folarin, then Folarin’s ego wouldn't let him continue, so it became Lunch with Van Damme. Lunch with Van Dame is vert soothing, he is very attentive and laughs like Muttley (the cartoon character from wacky races). Van Damme is such a pleasant, respectful, young man. He easily fused himself into my daily routine. I’d started calling him VD and he begged me to stop that it sounded like a disease. He listened, and I talked, all the time. We started to go home together and casually hang out together, most times it'd be with his friends who won't stop teasing that I have tossed him into the bro zone. We grew fond of each other but the ultimate fondness and “fondler” remained Fela; In Fela i found my Zen.

Some management decisions were made at work and teams had to be moved around. In light of that, I no longer report to Folarin. My new boss is a Lady; Vivian Adetonna. Vivian is very pretty, she always looks like she was styled by a Dolce and Gabbana representative. She is a bosslady as the name implies. She doesn’t attend meetings that don’t have a financial benefit. She is very stern and straight to the point. She does not ever try to politicize her conversations and she does not bring her personal problems to the work place; apparently she has a few of those. As a result of her "selective meeting attendance syndrome", I have a lot of meetings to attend which means less time to have meaningless conversations with Folarin. This works in favour of Van Damme though, because he works closely with Vivian, and I have to review a lot of documentation and receipts he sends in. This provides more time for small talk with Van Damme.

I like Folarin, he is a great friend, an excellent boss and a wonderful colleague.  He is very patient with me. He listens to me talk about all my man problems, he literally just allows me to get away with all my misgivings. He is like the Older Brother I don’t have. However, recent developments have indicated that this feeling is not mutual.

I heard from the office newsroom; Olamide (She is story for another day), that Folarins’ wife left him for her ex-boyfriend (*insert dramatic soundtrack*). She went to the states to have her baby and never returned. There are speculations that the baby isn’t even Folarin’s child. I don’t know the authenticity of this information but I don’t have the mind to ask and it makes sense how Folarin dives into some type of Manic Depression Mode and then dives right out and seems kind of uncertain over how he feels about women. That being said, our conversations will remain non-intimate. I don’t even want to encourage the thought that there might be a sliver of hope for him.

Besides lunch, Van Damme and I had an unspoken routine. Wednesdays we'd see a movie and he'd take me home. Sundays he'd pick me up from mine, take me to church, we'd have lunch and then he'd take me home or drop me off by Fela’s house. He never asked whose house it was but I am sure he knew. Cos whenever he dropped me there, I could see his shoulders and heart sink a little. One Sunday after church he invited me over to lunch and I accepted his invitation. We attended Salem that day and as we drove out from church he headed towards Lekki Phase 1. At first I assumed he was going to pick up something, so I didn’t ask any questions.

Lo and behold, we got to an apartment complex by the third roundabout and he drove in, all chatty with the security man. I was still quiet and trying to understand what was happening. He parked his car and came down. I said “Van Damme, please I don’t have kidnap value, aren’t we going over to yours again?”. He said,” This is where I live T, I begged my mum’s cook to make us lunch and she sent me a message saying she has dropped it off.”

I was so confused. I asked “Is this your mums house?”

“No this is my house, she bought it for me, so it’s mine now. She lives in Ogba with my dad”

In my head, I was somewhere between confused and upset. How is it that you live here and then you drive all the way to sangotedo to drop me off on weekdays??  You drive all the way there to pick me and take me to church and then drive me all the way back! Like who are you???!!!

We went in and truly it was his apartment, two bedroom flat, nice and portable with a very “bachelory” feel. The colour theme was Black and crème. His TV set was massive, he had like a ‘Gaming area’ where he had loads and loads of consoles and games. Then there was the stereo, when he put on his music I had to beg for it to be turned down, the surround speakers were really surround. His kitchen was really a ‘Bare Minimum Effort” the only part of the kitchen that seemed like it was frequently visited was the Sink, dustbin and Fridge; which was carefully organised and filled with left over take out, beer and wine.

I immediately sent Igho a message on whatsapp; “Igho do you know where chunky lives?!”, I went on and on explaining it to her

Her response: Timmy, I don’t know how and why you constantly attract weirdos. *rme

My name is Timmy; and I don’t understand why anyone would do what Van Damme is doing for me when it's quite clear that I am with Fela.

Timmyz Tales - Whatsapp, Tango, Foxtrot - Part 2

Ghosting lasted about 2 and half hours. Van Damme walked past my desk a couple of times and caught me on my phone. I could hardly ignore his message without coming off as if I was overthinking the situation.

I didn't respond to Fela but I responded to Folarin and Van Damme

Me to Folarin; Lol, Very funny Boss

Me to VD: No I don't have a boyfriend that would object to me hanging with you”, "but that doesn't mean I don't have a boyfriend”.

Van Damme; let me drop you off tonight

Me; I am riding with Mr Folarin

Van Damme; please let me take you home

Me; *takes snapshot of chat* sends it to Igho

Igho see where they are begging me to drop me off shaa.....

Me to Van Damme; Okay ( he is better company than Folarin anyway)

It's 4:25pm, I need Folarin to sign off on some reimbursements, nice opportunity to let him know I won't be riding home with him. I go over there and he says, “I need a favor please, let me pay for your Uber home. My mum is in town and I need to see her on the mainland.”

I couldn’t understand, (please how is that a favour) I said to him, “Ahn! No please. I am fine, I will ride with Van Damme”. Folarin nodded and tilted his head in a bit of uncertainty, as to whether to say something or nah. I took the cue and quickly walked away from what would have turned into an interrogation

At 5:30pm I saw Van Damme pack up, he walked over to me and said, I am ready when you are. I said "I'm ready now" and started to put my things together while Van Damme headed out. All packed up and outside the office, I had just put my hand in my purse to fetch my phone and ask Van Damme where he’d parked when Someone crept up on me from behind and said “Babe, please talk to me”

It was Fela. Kai! How awkward!!

My head is bursting with mixed emotions..... what am I supposed to do now?
I love Fela. I feel betrayed by his omission of a very salient part of his life, but I love him.
Van Damme is a very nice young man, who has offered me a ride home. Ps: I just gave a pseudo-impression that I'm not in a relationship
How am I supposed to play this one out without having to explain too much?

I weighed my options, I am going to hear Fela out, I will sort Van Damme out later.

I called Van Damme and dismissively said, ”please go on without me, I need to sort something out”*click off*  I didn't give him the chance to ask questions, then I looked at Fela and said “Please, don't just show up at my workplace without reason like this again”. Harsh I know, but he caught me unawares and he is not on my good side.. I wasn't ready for these theatrical shenanigans.  He looked at me as though he was about to say something sarcastic and then changed his mind, raised his brows in agreement and fauxed a smile.

I followed him to his car, and as he opened the door for me to get in Van Damme drove past, looking me straight in the eye, Oh Shit!!!

On the ride to the "make up spot" I was aggressively texting Igho; all in a bid to avoid conversation with Fela. Igho was not responding doe ..BLIMEY!!!

source: Pacittisblog.com

Fela took me to this little Italian restaurant right next to Pizzeria on Musa Yar'adua.  I haven't ever really heard any buzz about it but he must know people there because they had prepared a nice little "make up spot" outside for us and the music was nice. The waiters were extra nice and as soon as I sat down, one of them came with a dozen red roses and a card that said 'I'm sorry babe, I miss you'. My heart started singing tingling songs and doing a little victory dance. My mind was telling me nooooo, but my body!!!!, my body was telling me yeees (in R-kellys voice).

I had already forgiven him, and he knew it. He has a baby and I am not going to punish him for that. At least he is responsible enough to own it and take care of the child regardless of what might have transpired between him and his baby mama. I could hear Ighos voice compelling me to ask questions, but what more do I want to know that he hasn't already mentioned. Most of me just wanted to sit on his lap and laugh about nothing and just be happy with him.

Fela made me happy from within. He is the cynosure of my heart; he almost can't do wrong by me. Knowing that I have forgiven him without saying anything, he starts to talk about work and how his house misses my scent and bla and bla and bla. At about 9pm my phone starts vibrating. Van Damme was calling. I didn't pick up.

I checked my messages instead;
Igho: babe, Fela will not be your downfall, say AMEN

From Van Damme, there were a myriad of messages starting with “ boyfriend or no?” and ending with “please be okay for me”.

I put down my phone and smile impishly to Fela who stopped talking, as my attention had shifted.
I said to him ‘if I give up my hoes for you, and you fuck up again, you owe me new hoes’
I reached over and kissed him.. My heart felt at home..

I looked at my phone again;
Igho: Timmy, so you left Chunky Semi Caucasian for Baby Mama Drama?

I ignored her again, we'll talk later

My name is Timmy and I'm Fela Whooped

Timmyz Tales - Whatsapp, Tango, Foxtrot

I had not seen Fela in a couple of days It felt like 2975years.

I am not sure why I am mad at him. I am not sure if it’s because I feel betrayed, or because it feels like I have been in a dishonest relationship. But I have consciously and intentionally avoided him. He sends me messages as though he saw me in the morning.

Yesterday it was “Hey babe, wanna do lunch”

The other day “I am going to Abuja this weekend, wanna come?”

Is he being cocky, ignorant, stupid or blindly persistent?

I decided to join the work crew on our bi-monthly movie break; it’s a thing we do every two weeks, where someone picks a movie and we all go to see it on a Wednesday. I’d normally skip it because of mid-week service, but then I started skipping it because of Fela. That wednesday, I chose to join the movie-wagon. 

My Work-Event Partner, Folarin couldn’t make it and he did something he probably shouldn’t have done. He looked over at a young man in the Finance Department and said to him “Take care of her and please give her a ride home”; Folarin and I secretly call this young man, Fat-boy-slim because he is chunky in a cute way and he is always eating salads and quinoa and all that kind of stuff.... still no difference.

Up till then, I had never really noticed this Chunky-young-mixed-race individual that everyone else calls Van Damme. I didn’t know why he was called Van Damme and I didn’t care.  I just knew his name was ‘Jean” pronounced (John, with an accent) and he was half Caucasian, half African and he was a healthy boy in a slightly chunky body.

Movie break, was a bonding period for co-workers and oh, did I bond? Jean and I established a rather circumstantial relationship. Within the 3 hours we spent together we exchanged quite a lot of personal information. His mother is French and his father is Yoruba, his name is actually “Jean-Claude Adeyinka” Hence the Van Damme. He moved to Nigeria from France when he was 9 years old, Secondary School boys won’t let him be great with his “Jean Claude" name, it morphed into Jean Claude Van Damme and now Van Damme. He speaks French, plays the guitar and the piano, appreciates art and listens to Opera in his vehicle… Hehe…. Stop thinking it, I am not swoon, he is just kinda cute in a "I want to pamper him" type of way.

Van Damme and I have since developed a whatsapp relationship. In the absence of Fela he filled my chatting void. It didn’t matter that he was only cubicles away. The Conversation was entertaining. From internal co-worker gossip, to other mundane stuff. 

It was (not particularly) funny (in a Ha-Ha way) when on Friday afternoon, after lunch, I had 3 different messages waiting on my whatsapp;

Van Damme: I haven’t made any particular plans for the weekend. Do you have a boyfriend that might object to me making plans with you?

Folarin: Madam T, you have not finished understanding your relationship with Fela, you are following Fat -Boy Slim... Whats up with you two? I can only handle one competition at a time o..

Fela: You never got back to me on this weekend in Abuja. I took the liberty of mailing you a ticket. I thought it might be a good time out to talk. How long are you planning on blanking me?  

thank goodness I turned off my read receipts a while ago, because those double blue ticks can like to gbegborun

Excuse me while I ghost on those messages.

Clearly I need to set Van Damme straight.

My name is Timmy...

A Dying but necessary occupation by Jemyma

My precious friend - Jem Jem wrote this.

source; www.quickmemes.com

I am one of those people who type in retardese for fun.

I am also one of those people who get irked when people type retardese to me when I am writing normal intelligent English.

Let’s just say I like to eat my cake and have it or maybe I’m irked only because I don’t know you well enough to tell if this is how you type for real for real, or you are just having informal conversation.

However, in supposedly formal documents and articles, I find that retardese and other informal lingua is steady making its way to our pages.

There’s also the disaster of misspellings and inappropriate use of tenses (I’m trying to avoid saying bad grammar here).

For example, I once received an invitation to a seminar that read “Your invited…” instead of “You are..” and this is not a solitary case. It’s fast becoming a popular case. And my eyes bleed when I see these things.

Growing up, I once saw a job opening ad on a newspaper for a proofreader. I didnt know what it was or meant at the time, so I asked my Dad to explain what it meant to be a proofreader. I was way younger and unqualified,  but I remember thinking that it would be a fun responsibility to have.

Unfortunately I don’t think that’s a thing anymore. Being addressed as an editor is a more glamorous title. Besides with the rise in freelance journalism, writing and blogging, we seem to have convinced ourselves that passion to get the job done is more important than accurate content.who grammar epp?  The urgency of real time publications and updates hardly leave enough time for “skimming throughs” and “proofreading” so we have error-prone articles to serve.

I’m older and maybe informally qualified,  but I’d really love to proofread your articles for you. Because I know there will be many like me who share in my agony. I am volunteering to be the proofreading martyr. If you ever need help in that regard, I’m your guy.

Send me an email ☺
Peace & Love,
Jemjem.

Timmyz Tales- Three Friends and a Baby

I am sorry , I haven’t written anything in a while, It’s been an eventful couple of weeks.

A few updates:

•  Lunch with Folarin is now a thing, we are kinda like besties now but in an awkward careful way
• Fela and I are in a strange yet good place
•  My best”ish” friend Omonigho visited Lagos from England and she had to stay with me for a week. Omonighos trip cost me money and a dent in my relationship with Fela

Igho and I have known each other all our lives, she is mostly a bitch but she is the only person I can have an honest conversation with. She thinks Folarin and I are a match made in heaven and she thinks Fela is too good to be true, in that vein she “pressured” me into doing two things.

1.  She made me ask Folarin about his family. Me, the mistress of minding her business. I have never asked Folarin about his family and that’s cos I don’t want to make our interactions any more awkward. Igho, however has no problem ranting off about other people’s lives, the first day she met Folarin, less than 10 minutes into the conversation she goes “ Ahn Oga Fola, where is your ring?” (I noticed he stopped wearing his ring about 8 months ago but I never asked.) Folarin laughed it off and didn’t really give a response. *Side eye*..that got me concerned.  After she left, I asked about it and he said “Timi if you really don’t want to know, don’t ask out of courtesy”, In typical Timmy Fashion, I let it go .
2. She also, made me ask Fela about the phone call that I never ever ever wanted to hear of again. Fela and I were in a good place. We had moved on from it. We just did not talk about it. There was no need. Everything with Fela and I checked out, there was absolutely no need for Drama – what you don’t know won’t kill you- right?.

Speaking of Fela, his company asked him to relocate to Lagos and the relocation allowance was like my annual salary multiplied by three. We found the house together, I chose the theme, the colours the furniture, most of the art for the feature wall. It was like I was moving into my own house. I had the keys to the house, I interviewed the cleaning lady, the cook, everything.

Igho does this thing where she makes your life miserable by spiting you via words and action until you do what she wants you to do. So  we can’t have a conversation without her bringing up the call issue, I was beginning to regret why I told her in the first place. Igho met Fela and she liked him but she said to me “Timi, something is not right”. Typical Igho.

One fine morning, we (Fela and I) were getting ready to go to work, he was in the shower, I was applying my make up and we were talking about dinner the day before. Then his phone went off and it was that same ring tone “I love my baby………………. I love my baby….”. “My heart just started crying” Fela didn’t flinch, I stopped talking we both kind of just waited for the phone to stop ringing and it did, then there was an awkward silence. Less than a minute later “I love my baby….. I love my baby……” I made for the phone and in my head I was like “Fela if you fucking stop me”…. He didn’t. I grabbed the phone took a quick glance at the name and face and handed it to him as he wrapped his towel around his body. Again, Fela stepped out of the room to take the call.
Two things: The picture of the person calling was a little baby and the number was an American number. What the hell is Fela doing?

That evening, after a conversation filled with spiteful encouragement from Igho. I gave him a call (facetime, so I could see his face) and I asked him, I said “Fela please who is Etta that you love so much that you have to attach that ringtone to her”.

Fela: Babe

Me: Please, don’t babe me, if you have a girlfriend or wife sitting somewhere, why are you wasting my time

 Fela: Babe

Me: don’t freaking babe me, Fela

Fela; well, If you let me complete the sentence, you’d know it doesn’t end at babe

I was quiet and quite irritated, he brought his phone out of his pocket and showed me pictures of a baby, the same one from earlier

Fela: I have a daughter, Alice, she is 2 years and 6 months and she lives with her mother in the U.S. Her mother’s name is Henrietta hence, Etta. She calls me when something needs to be paid or Alice has been uneasy

I was so shattered.  How is it that I’ve been with this Man for 6 months and he never felt the need to mention that he had a Kid

Me: Fela, this girls mother, is she your wife

Fela: NO

Me; Is she your Fiancee or girlfriend

Fela: No babe, she is the mother of my child and that’s it

Me; Fela so, the mother of your child is the one you attached ringtone to, and you are telling me that’s it.

He went on to explain that, he never changed the ringtone after their relationship went sour

Me: Fela, I’ve known you for 6 months, If I’m right, your relationship has been sour for at least 6 months so please how is it that you haven’t changed that ringtone

Fela: I’d change it

I simply could not sleep in his house that day, I jeje took a taxi home. When I got home there was no light and no water. For a minute, I considered going back to Felas place but God Forbid. How much more do I not know about him?

Funny thing; Fela did not try to stop me, when I said I would go home and not to his place, he said, "I understand" 

Please, what does that mean?

My name is Timmy and aaaaaaaaargh (that's how I feel)

‘

Timmyz Tales - Confuscious the Cat

My Fairytale of living in a hotel and loving a ‘hunk’ was coming to an end and honestly it went by like a flash…… Tee (Naomi) had to go back to Abuja, which means I had to ‘reset to reality’ i.e. return to Sangotedo, return to my awkward relationship with Folarin and all the realities that came with that.

Relationship Status Update:

1.       Jide called me to apologise and further disgust me

2.       Folarin is still my ride to and from work, if need be… there has been no lunch date yet

3.       Fela and I are still crazy about each other.

The weekend before Tee was due to leave, Fela asked me to take him to my house, I asked why, he said I want to know where you live, so that the day you leave me, I would come knocking on that door. (I promise you my heart did a back flip. How sweet of him).

I gave him all the disclaimers: the Traffic, the No light, the No water; and he still insisted. He even said we should sleep there.

11pm Friday night, it was time for us to head to Sangotedo. Hopefully, the traffic would have freed up. We got an uber and headed home. Thankfully the gods of Power were excited and there was light through the night. On this night, I was swoon, the coitus-resistant girl in me went to sleep and the coitus-curious one came alive and indeed it was a couple hours of pure delight! That was the first time I loved my tiny cot in Sangotedo.

Fela and I, happy and satisfied (wink) on my mattress, which was spread on the floor maybe 4 feet from my Pile of shoes and a hop or two away from my ‘toilet’; (I say toilet cos it’s not really a bath room seeing as the shower is knack in the middle of the toilet i.e. if you took a shower, the entire floor and toilet seat would be wet). Far cry from Four Points, but in this moment on this day. It was blissful.

Tee left!!! Fela and I were waxing strong, and it became more convenient to spend some days of the week with him. My routine was Friday to Monday with Fela, and Tuesday to Friday morning at home.  

One Friday evening, Fela and I had planned to have drinks and stop by some new spot he discovered. I had closed early and was gearing up in the bathroom when Felas phone rang….. Three things hit me:

1.       I’d never ever heard Fela’s phone ring……EVER…

2.       Fela left the room to take the call

3.       The ringtone was ‘Take me away’ by Keysha Cole…. (If you listen to the first few seconds of this song, you will understand)

Now, Fela and I are not in a relationship right? We are friends who enjoy each others’ company and had sex that one time!!! How was I supposed to react? Should I ask who called? Should I act like I don’t know anything about it? What should I do?...... I am not about to ask ‘where is this going ?” cos I like the convenience of our uncertainty i.e. I can walk away when I want! But hey, may be we need to draw up some clear lines!

He came back, we both acted like that didn’t just happen, we went out and had a good time, came back and slept off. The next morning, I woke up earlier than he, put my shit together and went home. On my way home, I called Folarin and told him the tale of the mystery call. Folarin found the story suspiciously satisfying, He laughed really hard and said ‘is he your boyfriend? why are you hoarding what’s not your own ?……. Folarin and I had lunch again, for the 1^st time since after that awkward time, this time it was in his “brothers” house. 

My name is Timi (Timmy) and I'm confused

Small Circle, Big Circle, No Circle

Hi guys, this is Ejay…. Todays’ post is about circles i.e. Friendship Circles.

I spent more time at church this week than I normally would, and something I learnt, something that resonated with me is that “Apples will rot at their core, when they are stored next to other vegetables”….. this one really stuck because I could relate, you see, I buy a lot of apples and I store them with lettuce, cucumbers and other vegetables in the ‘vegetable section” of my fridge….. and in all honesty, when they go bad, my apples always rot at the core… I would have started eating them before I realise that they are bad…. Yuck right? lol

What’s the moral of the story ?

Growing up, we tend to build a network/Web of individuals linked or isolated, some of these people become friends, others are  just ‘people we know’ and others transition from ‘Friends’ to “people we know”. Now, each individual has a personality that is peculiar to them. Understanding this makes managing a large network of friends easy….

We've got the hang out friends i.e. strictly for good company, the ones that you go to church with, the ones that you call to gossip about boys, the ones that exist solely for IG pics and Lagos Glam events and we've got the ones we can call at 2am on a week night after not talking to them for three (3) years and they will listen to us rant and even offer a helping hand If need be….These people are this way for one of the following reasons;

1.       That’s just who they are, it’s not specific to you; or

2.       It’s actually particularly specific to you

I’m sorry I digressed.

What I was trying to say is, some people (especially the ones you least expect) are like vegetables to you (the apple). Some people unknowingly talk you down, they do not encourage your endeavors, they have never offered to support your business, they will never pay for lunch or even give you toll gate money (you know when you are driving and approaching the toll gate, you will still be the one scrambling for toll gate money)…. Some just don’t want you to succeed, because your success is a threat to them or they just don’t think you are good enough (because they are looking at you with SS1 eye). They judge your ability to succeed on your past or their perspective…. They are simply incapable of believing in you......
Again, these people are this way for one of the following reasons;

1.       That’s just who they are, it’s not specific to you; or

2.       It’s actually particularly specific to you

Only Rule: You do not need that negativity in your life, you need friends that can and will genuinely say to you: “I am not Jealous of you, I am not in competition with you, I will cry with you and I will rejoice with you, I am content with what I have and in who I am, your drive inspires me to be better….. “ .

You need friends that define a support system, friends that encourage you to be better, not the ones that are walking in your shadows/steps, living off the “idea of being your friend”… if you buy a, they wanna buy a too, just because you have it.

I am not asking you to evaluate your circle, I am asking you to ‘know’ your circle. Identify, Assess and Design…. Just know your circle….

Xoxo

Ejay

Timmyz Tales - Fela, Not Kuti

I have a friend ‘Tee’ (I know her as Toochi) but she calls her self Naomi now, she lives in Abuja, she does some work occasionally for the government and other times she is ‘an interior decorator’ Decorating the homes and rooms of wealthy politicians, who in turn decorate her account. (side eye)

Tee had something work-related to do in Lagos and was going to be in Four Points for 6 weeks, Knowing how my logistics troubles, she asked me to be her plus one for the 6 weeks, saying "'i'd hardly be there anyway"…of course I jumped on it.

Folarin and I had gone past the awkward phase, we just did not talk about that lunch and those messages, I was not going to let his inability to manage his emotions and tame his pride come between me and my convenience… that ride to and from work is very important to me. Btw, he is married and we will never get passed the Friend Zone.

Tee had come, and I was ready to live happy.... I strolled into Four Points that Friday evening; interesting experience I must say, I got stopped by at least three security personnel saying ‘Excuse me ma, please where are you going?’…. I always wanted to reply with sarcasm but do u blame them ? With the number of refined and packaged prostitutes walking gidi streets they have to ask. Tee had dropped her room key and a note for me, it said ‘please relax, eat and be happy, I won’t come in early’. I went up, dropped my stuff and literally passed out.

Saturday morning was heavenly!!!!!!! There was no noise from my neighbours who ‘bond over laundry’ on Saturday mornings, I didn’t have to worry if there will be water today or naah, breakfast was guaranteed and I didn’t wake up in a pool of my own sweat...  I went to the gym, took a nice warm shower and went to breakfast in the restaurant downstairs. I was in such a happy place, and to top it all I shared my breakfast table with the most adorable, warmest, funniest, sweetest man in the world. His name is Fela. Kai!!!! I couldn’t wait to gist Tee and Folarin.

How it happened:

I was sitting by the window enjoying my baked beans and sausages in what Folarin Calls my ‘I woke up like this- Face”. A noticeably hot man walked past ALL the empty tables, and came straight to me ‘Can we have breakfast together?’… I looked up (embarrassed and shy) and said ‘sure’. Then he sat

Him: “Do you like sausages’’

Me: “Good morning, please I have zero tolerance for small talk. Besides, Do you like sausages is the most ridiculous thing you could lead with’’

He chuckled, and apologized, stretched out his arm and said, ‘I’m Fela’ ,

Me: ‘I’m Timi’

Him: “honestly Timi, I am friend-hunting, I am in Lagos for work and have been for 2 months, I have 4 to go, I know no one in Lagos, and you are a pretty girl, can we hang out sometime”

Me; “Lol, that’s better, I am going up to my room now, here’s my room number, I am gonna be in there most of today. Call me’’

I was shocked at myself, so forward and so confident… that’s truly my attitude towards life but Lagos has been subduing me. I felt like I was a bit rude and shut-downy, but the sausage question kind of threw me off; as un-intended as it might have been.

Needless to say, Fela and I got really chatty and I ‘Loved’ him immediately, not in the Cinderella story kind of way. I loved him in a “what a refreshing experience” kind of way. Our conversations were seamless, effortless, so alive. We talked about a lot of things, but nothing too personal. We had dinner together that day and then it kind of became a thing.

I’d look forward to getting off work just to go have dinner with Fela, He became my go-to. We were on an exploratory trip together, going everywhere, figuring out places together, and it was so convenient. He was two floors up, a call away and always always always ready to hear me rant!!!

We discovered a pedicure place in lekki phase one. The best salad in Lagos, suya from the famous Abeyigi and of course the all known and all loved Glover court. We went to the beach, we had drinks, we laughed at each other, we started stealing kisses. Spending time with Fela made the Hate List invisible.

When I told Folarin about Fela, I am not sure how he felt, quite frankly I actively avoided a reaction.  He grilled me, what’s his surname? what school did he go to? What’s his blood type, what’s the color of his eyes (ok exaggerating a little). After the Q and A, he said, ‘I miss riding with you’. I am happy you are over Jide’ I hope Fela makes you happy and I was just like ‘yeeeeaaaaa’....

My name is Timi (timmy) I found something(one) I like.

Timmyz Tales : Lunch with Folarin

Folarin is kinda sorta my boss at work, so when he asks me to come to work on Saturday, I grumble but I have to go. Conveniently, he gives me a ride to and from work, he buys me lunch, and we have good conversation. So I ain’t mad.

On this particular day, though, I was Mad, I was Livid and my face lacks the ability to conceal my feelings, so he could tell from the “good afternoon Folarin.” I was mad for several reasons:

1. My boyfriend (Jide) had started dating his so-called ‘best friend,’ fucking Isoken. This girl used to tell me that she was so much better at being his girlfriend than me and we would laugh over it. Look at me now!!! I will spit in your face when I see you…snag!

2. My generator went off and never came back on, and PHCN is really a myth in that area.

3. There has not been water for 5 days. I have been bathing with a bag (20 sachets) of Pure Water!!!!!!!!!!

4. I was just upset abeg, all I wanted to do was lay in bed and watch Desperate Housewives.

Anyway, I ranted to Folarin and managed to tie everything back to Lagos and the curse of moving to Lagos, and how I can never be pleased living here. Out of pity or love or hunger, he took me to some restaurant in Lekki Phase 1 (Sao Café) and he bought me food, then he told me about his life.

Mid-convo, I stepped out to take a call, it was my mum…bless her… she is such a trooper. While I was talking to her, some guy stepped out and sat on one of those ‘couches’ at the back, he was intently and intensely staring at me. When I was done with the call, he walked up to me, said a few nice words and asked for my number. For some reason, I looked back and caught Folarin’s eyes…they were not pleased.

I went back in after my mini-flirt, which I needed, and Folarin said nothing to me afterwards. The whole day was just awkward, it was purely boss-colleague. Even the ride home was awkward. He was consciously trying not to sound upset. Then at 11:53 at night, he made it even more awkward, he sent me a message: “ I’m sorry I acted the way I did.” I did not and really could not respond. The day after, he called me three times at 7a.m. I didn’t pick up (because I was asleep), but then he left another message: “I’m sorry Timi.”

WHOOOOLLUP!!!: Are we like in a relationship? Am I not allowed to speak to men? Or is it cos he was there? What’s all this? Folarin needs to not mess this up for me, our relationship is so convenient.

My Name is Timi; and that's how my Saturday went.

Timmyz Tales - My Hate List

I just moved to Lagos.
Living in lagos, Living in Sangotedo, Ajah in Lagos  means that I have to be up before 5:00am in order to hitch a ride with my colleague/boss- Folarin; and make it to work just in time to wear my makeup and grab a nice warm sardine toast for breakfast before 8:00am.


Ps: the apartment Ad said 20mins from Lekki Phase 1……….THEY LIED!!.


I hate it, I hate it all, I hate the sound of my alarm at 4:15am.
I hate that I have to rush through my early morning prayer.
I hate the feeling of soap and water against my skin at 4:35am.
I hate having to wake Mohammed - the-not-so-secure security man,who is easily one of the reasons I wake at 4:15. It takes Mohammed a minimum of 4 minutes to respond to my aggressive knocking and screaming then another 3 minutes to drag his lanky body out of bed, drag out his prayer mat, walk to the gate… remember that he left the key to the gate, light jog back to his room and then open the gate for me...

Then I literally run into Folarins car, he is such a delight, he is always so awake and so pleasant. Folarin would always say ‘Timi, good morning’ while I  manage a ‘gumrnin Fola’ and then he would offer me an apple and tell me ‘don’t worry babe, you will be fine’. Fola is perfect, and happily married, so I am not allowed to day dream. Also, i only like him at 5am,maybe it’s the apple, maybe it’s the free ride,maybe it’s the niceities, he is my 5am breath of fresh air and between 5am and 8am I love him. But, I don’t find him attractive at noon, he looks a lot less delightful and at close of business, when he rolls up his sleeves and loosens his tie; he’s supposed to be more attractive then right?.....not Fola, he has a lingering stench of desperation and exhaustion and I don’t like that. So, Happy married Life Fola.

I hate the buses, their drivers and their emphatically confused ways of driving.
I hate the smell of the office cafeteria where Fola and I get the sardine sandwich, which is really just hot bread and sardine.
I hate the journey  home either in a very unpleasant bus or in Oge’s car.
I hate the walk home from the junction in the dark praying in my mind to God that I don’t end up as a subject of one of those ‘Disclaimer BBM Broadcasts’ or worse on Linda Ikeji as raped/beaten/robbed or kidnapped.
I hate it all, it’s been 14days and I Hate Lagos.

My name is Timi (Timmy) and this is an excerpt of my current hate list.